Sunday, November 8, 2009


Bryan is currently running a fever with chills. I spoke with Dr. Chen and he assumes it is an infection of the biliary drain which is no longer draining due to the blood clot. He has ordered IV antibiotics which will be delivered here tonight so we can administer them at home. I have not left his side all day; making sure I am there when he opens his eyes.

It is difficult for me to make these decisions alone. We have always prayed together and discussed pros and cons when making difficult decisions; I guess this is the beginning to my next chapter in life. Jonathan has prayed with me. He is such a strong support. I thank God for each of the children and the various needs God has prepared them to meet at this time. Even James has a smile and kiss for Bryan every time he comes into the room. I love to hear their play and banter as I tend to my husbands needs--this is not possible at the hospital, thus I choose to remain at home.

Psalm 139

1 O LORD, You have searched me and known me.
2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
You understand my thought from afar.
3 You scrutinize my path and my lying down,
And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.
4 Even before there is a word on my tongue,
Behold, O LORD, You know it all.
5 You have enclosed me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is too high, I cannot attain to it.
7 Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
8 If I ascend to heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there.
9 If I take the wings of the dawn,
If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea,
10 Even there Your hand will lead me,
And Your right hand will lay hold of me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will overwhelm me,
And the light around me will be night,”
12 Even the darkness is not dark to You,
And the night is as bright as the day.
Darkness and light are alike to You.
13 For You formed my inward parts;
You wove me in my mother’s womb.
14 I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;
16 Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
And in Your book were all written
The days that were ordained for me,
When as yet there was not one of them.
17 How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand.
When I awake, I am still with You.
19 O that You would slay the wicked, O God;
Depart from me, therefore, men of bloodshed.
20 For they speak against You wickedly,
And Your enemies take Your name in vain.
21 Do I not hate those who hate You, O LORD?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against You?
22 I hate them with the utmost hatred;
They have become my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me and know my anxious thoughts;
24 And see if there be any hurtful way in me,
And lead me in the everlasting way.


Brenda and Jerry said...

Susan, Remember you are not making these decisions alone. You have a history of likemindedness with your beloved as well as an omnicient God who guides you. Just as you quoted, He knows your thoughts and guides your ways. Be confident and know that you are not responsible to accomplish God's will, that is a task He has reserved to Himself. It is not easy but you have the entire history of mankind to count His faithfulness to His beloved. May He grant you the Peace that surpasses our understanding. He has raised you up for such a time as this.
Love and Prayers,

Victoria said...

The previous comment reminded me of the passage in the King James version where it says (Isaiah 54:5, 11, 14): "For thy Maker is thine husband; the Lord of hosts is his name; and thy Redeemer the Holy One of Israel; The God of the whole earth shall he be called. O thou afflicted, tossed with tempest, and not comforted, behold, I will lay they stones with fair colours, and lay they foundations with sapphires. In righteousness shalt thou be extablished; thou shalt be far from oppression; for thou shalt not fear; and from terror; for it shall not come near thee."

Thinking of you, praying for you, sending you best wishes.

Dina said...

Dear Susan, A wonderful Psalm, verses 7 through 10 have always been especially precious to me. (Strangely, my kids and I have read this very chapter twice together in the past 9 days.) It made me cry to read it on this post tonight. Tears of sorrow/joy/hope/compassion for you both and your children. I've been thinking about them and praying for them a lot lately. And I agree with Brenda's post wholeheartedly. I couldn't have expressed my feelings better than she did. Well, just praying for you all this evening, that the antibiotics arrive and you are able to administer them, and I think it is so precious that you want to be in view at any time should your beloved's eyes open for a minute. Your love and devotion to him through this past year has been so obvious, and you have really put your love "into action." You could not have done any better, and it has been a blessing to "watch" your love, service and devotion to your husband these past 11 months. God really showed His favor toward Bryan when He gave Bryan you for his Helpmeet. God bless you and give you both peace and grace as you maneuver through these trying days. Love, Dina, for the Allens

Nanci said...

Psa 31:22 For I said in my haste, I am cut off from before thine eyes: nevertheless thou heardest the voice of my supplications when I cried unto thee.
Psa 31:23 O love the LORD, all ye his saints: for the LORD preserveth the faithful, and plentifully rewardeth the proud doer.
Psa 31:24 Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the LORD.

Mikaela said...

I sit here with tears streaming down my face, unable to fathom what you must be going through right now. God knows, though, and so I keep praying. My family keeps praying. And our church keeps praying. We are beseeching the throne of God for Pastor Pollock and you and your family.

Tess said...

No words, Susan, just lots of love and prayer.

Art Lutz said...

You and your family are on my mind and in my heart. I echo what Tess said.

Art Lutz